CallMeStella

I was told last Wednesday that my husband of 20 years (in one month), is leaving me. This is not how I wanted to lose weight. I am so devastated and I can’t eat.

It’s 2:15 and I still haven’t eaten. What is wrong with me? I can’t seem to wrap my head around the food thing. Logic tells me that I need to eat to help burn calories, but I can’t get myself to do it. I added a before picture. That alone should get me to do what I need to do.

to put food in my journal that I plan on eating. If you have read through my past posts, I believe I mentioned I have issues with not eating enough. I used to REALLY not eat enough, and while I still struggle with that, I have added on the new “eat crap” habit. Sweet Jesus, I’m messed up. I have been adding foods the last couple of days that I plan on eating, then have to go and take them off when I don’t actually eat them. I think that will stop today.

Now for the fun stuff. I have been working with my husband for the last year. My daughter started a few months ago, and as time has gone on, we have realized only one of us is needed. As she is working until she starts cosmetology school in the fall, I decided I would take the time off until she starts. We don’t need my income, but I feel like a failure, not contributing to the household finances. I am no Mrs. Cleaver…I don’t know how to cook (great for my eating habits), I have a housekeeper that comes once a week and all I really have to do is make my bed every day and pick up my younger daughter from school. I AM BORED OUT OF MY MIND!!!! I was going to volunteer at her school, but they don’t have opportunities, as they have the student’s do much of what parents would typically do. They also don’t have PTA (what?).

Anyway, I would appreciate ideas from anyone who is a stay at homer, and doesn’t have small children to be responsible for. It’s hard going from 40 hours a week to nothing, almost over night.

(Off to remove that food item)

I CANNOT believe how much I weigh. Okay, I don’t know that I gained eight pounds in one day, but likely the scale was wrong yesterday. I don’t remember ever weighing this much. I know negative talk is generally unhealthy, but I have to be honest with myself, rather than “the glass is half full” when it’s empty.

I am disgusted with myself.  I can’t believe I have let myself get to this point. It has to change or I will never be happy with myself. Yes, my family is important, but ultimately, even they can’t motivate me to be healthier.  Don’t get me wrong, I want encouragement, but I am the only one who can push myself. If I don’t, all the encouraging words in the world won’t help.

I am changing my life today. I am going to do the unthinkable and post a before picture later today. I have never had the courage to do that before and I still don’t, but I’m going to suck it up and do it anyway.

Not sure why this isn’t showing up. I guess if nothing else, it’s good for me.

Good grief. I can’t believe I am back to my original weight. Ok, not true. I can believe it. I haven’t done jack to change it. My knee is still bothering me, but not enough for me to do nothing….it’s become an excuse and I’m over it. I have to do something about this or I’m never going to be completely happy with myself.

Starting fresh today. I’m going to get back to tracking food, exercise, emotions…all of it. I have to change my life.

Wanted to add that a woman named Carol asked to add me as her buddy and that is what has motivated me to get my butt in gear, so thanks, Carol.

Ok, so…I’ve been going through some personal struggles. It’s all internal and I have put everything aside to deal with my emotions. I’m not generally known as an emotional person (Ice Queen is more accurate). Having said that, I have been really struggling with not contributing to the finances of my family. I know I seem to go round and round about this, but it’s been so hard for me.

I worked for my husband for a few weeks and made some organizational changes, but the actual job was not for me. Though it is a completely different industry, I was processing and I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up. My husband keeps reminding me that we don’t need an income from me and tells me that I deserve a break. I am just not wired that way.

I’m also very frustrated with the lack of progress in my knee healing. It has been six months and I still have a bruise. I also cannot walk for more than 15 minutes without having pain. The pain has been especially bad the last week, and I am so frustrated I could scream. I took my daughter in for a doctor’s appointment and he offered to refill my pain medication, but I said no. I didn’t tell him I haven’t been taking them. I worry about my body, taking all that medication.

As I have been dealing with that, I have had many sleepless nights. I’m tired all the time, and don’t know if I’m down because I’m tired or tired because I’m down. At this point, it doesn’t seem to matter.

I have to get out of this funk I am in. I have started taking vitamins, which I hope will help. I’m still caught up in the eating/not eating thing. I am not in denial. I know not eating is just as bad as overeating. I just can’t get my body to agree with my logic. I did force down a piece of toast this morning, so it’s a start.

I have to do this. I can’t stand being this way anymore.  I need to work through the pain, suck it up-be a big girl. I need to eat, no matter what. I need to make wise choices when I do eat. Good grief, I have a lot to do.

My husband just walked out with breakfast for me. I didn’t ask for it, but he really wants me to eat. Weird. Not sure what that is about. Honestly, I think it bothers him that I don’t eat breakfast. Whenever he asks me if I want it, I say no, so I guess he decided to not give me the option this time.

It’s back to work I go. My husband and his partner are not happy with their processor. She is, however, a good salesperson. They have asked her to change positions, and have asked that I step in until they find a replacement for her. I have agreed to help them out for a bit. Who knows, I may end up staying. We’ll see.

I start tomorrow and while it will be nice in some aspects, I’m not looking forward to getting up at 6:00, again. I have enjoyed sleeping in until 8:00 everyday. Selfish, I know. They need help, and I am good for the job, having been a mortgage processor for quite a long time.

I’m a little concerned about the eating thing. My husband is excited that we will get to have lunch together. All I can think about is finding healthy restaurants. Of course, it means I will eat, which is a good thing. I’m still struggling with that. Hopefully, it will all go well.

The Man

I swear shopping is not normally such a part of my life. My problem is, I want to get everything for everyone, which of course, I can’t. Technically, I could, but then I would be paying it off for the next year. That’s no fun. I have to try and finish my shopping today, and I am having horrible cramps, which makes no sense, because I am way past the cramps stage. Not sure what is going on with my body, but I just want to take a nice hot bath (something that is an obsession) and curl up in bed, but I so badly want this shopping stuff to be done. I certainly don’t do well with my eating when I am out and about for hours on end….see previous post about eating out twice in one day. I need to eat something, and get out. Plus, I think my housekeeper prefers when I’m gone…I’m not in her way.

I just need to eat a good breakfast and then finish up the shopping before lunch and I will be set. Wish me luck. Once this shopping business is over, I’ll move on from it, I promise.

ETA: Good grief…never left the house and now I have to go pick up my girls from school. I sat here for the whole morning, editing a slideshow I am doing for my best friend. It did turn out nearly perfect, but I can’t leave well enough alone. I edited it down to the picture changing on the exact words of the song….need to either get a life, or do this for a living. No shopping today. damn.it.

In case any of you don’t know….I HATE SHOPPING!!!! I love Christmas and I love the appreciation I get from the recipients of my gifts, but I wish I could hire a shopper. Actually, that wouldn’t really help enough, because I hate having to pick things out. I just don’t like it.

Anyway, my oldest daughter and I ventured out on Saturday ( I tend to drag her with me a lot). It was POURING down raing and at one point, I looked like I had just gotten out of the shower. We ended up having a really good time, but we were out so long, that we ended up eating out for lunch and dinner. Not good. I’m afraid to step on the scale.

I did get my christmas tree today. Normally, my husband pulls out the fake tree that we got the first year we were married. It’s become a family joke, because it is covered in duct tape, and no matter how much he reinforces it, it still leans. Anyway, being that he was on a business trip and didn’t get back until this evening, we went and bought a real tree. Of course, I couldn’t find the gorgeous tree stand that we bought the one other year I convinced him to get a real tree, so he came home to the tree sitting outside, leaned up against the house, sitting in a pot of water. He took it all in stride, though, and is actually pleased. PHEW!!!! No Charlie Brown Christmas tree for us this year!

I will dreadfully do my weigh in tomorrow and report the results. I really need to get it together.

In my post last night, I wasn’t honest. It wasn’t intentional, but now that I ponder the reality, I realize that while I didn’t eat poorly while I was at my destination, it was the two day drive each way that was my undoing. I am generally not one to eat when I am bored, but apparently, car rides are a whole other animal for me. When I think back, I ate tons of nuts, chips, fast food (dogs make it difficult to sit down in a restaurant), but I made bad choices in those places when I could have made better ones.

Becoming self-aware sucks, sometimes. Hey, at least I know I will NEVER take a road trip like that again, therefor, no concerns about eating like that. Of course, that doesn’t really fix the underlying problem, does it? I have some work to do on myself.

I am so bummed. I was pretty much sick all last week. I had a horrible headache…actually still do and didn’t get in any exercise. I’ve had this thing since the 17th and don’t know how to get rid of it. No excuses, though. Weird thing is, I didn’t eat more than I usually do. I don’t know what happened. i was so sad when I stepped on that scale.

Start again, I guess.

Ok, I’m actually driving in a rented mini-van, but the subject line sounds so much more romantic….anyway, I am going to be offline for a couple of days. I mean, I can probably quickly post food logs and such, since we have access on our phones, but it won’t be the same as coming on here, seeing how everyone is progressing, and getting support.

I just have to stay strong for the traveling days, as we have no choice but to eat out. Honestly, we generally pick really healthy restaurants, but that’s here. I don’t know what is out in the wild blue yonder. Think there is a good sushi restaurant in Nebraska? Anyway, wish me luck.

Once we get to our destination, I am not too worried, as my husband’s family eat healthy food. Anyway, I’ll check in when I can.

Hasta la vista

I notice that if I post my food before I eat it, I am more apt to eat it. Does that make sense? I can think about what I should eat and don’t do it, but if I log the calories and see how many more I need for the day, I am more willing to eat it so that I can get my calorie count up.  For example, I have posted my breakfast…I haven’t eaten it yet, but I know I will because I have to get those calories in me.

I did ok yesterday. I ate 976 calories. I know I need to get up to 1200, at least, but I’m getting closer. Also, I walked. I didn’t do exercise walking, but I did walk. My knee did not appreciate it, but I know I need to do it. I have a crap load of stuff to do to prepare for my trip, but I will try to get some focused walking in today.

Anyone know what the weather is like in Chicago? Am I screwed because I don’t own a winter coat?

Ok, so…..I had my cottage cheese and then left to do the shopping stuff I had to do. I was fine until I needed to take my daughter to her boyfriend’s house. Ok, not fine since I didn’t eat until that point. What did I go and do? I got freaking Jack in the Box. What the hell is wrong with me? I don’t even like Jack in the Box! I ate half my meal and sucked down my soda. I don’t do fast food normally, but something obviously set me off tonight. Maybe it is the fact that everyone is gone and I only had to worry about myself. I don’t know. Can’t wait to figure how how many freaking calories that was.

so stupid.