CallMeStella

Ok, so…I’ve been going through some personal struggles. It’s all internal and I have put everything aside to deal with my emotions. I’m not generally known as an emotional person (Ice Queen is more accurate). Having said that, I have been really struggling with not contributing to the finances of my family. I know I seem to go round and round about this, but it’s been so hard for me.

I worked for my husband for a few weeks and made some organizational changes, but the actual job was not for me. Though it is a completely different industry, I was processing and I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up. My husband keeps reminding me that we don’t need an income from me and tells me that I deserve a break. I am just not wired that way.

I’m also very frustrated with the lack of progress in my knee healing. It has been six months and I still have a bruise. I also cannot walk for more than 15 minutes without having pain. The pain has been especially bad the last week, and I am so frustrated I could scream. I took my daughter in for a doctor’s appointment and he offered to refill my pain medication, but I said no. I didn’t tell him I haven’t been taking them. I worry about my body, taking all that medication.

As I have been dealing with that, I have had many sleepless nights. I’m tired all the time, and don’t know if I’m down because I’m tired or tired because I’m down. At this point, it doesn’t seem to matter.

I have to get out of this funk I am in. I have started taking vitamins, which I hope will help. I’m still caught up in the eating/not eating thing. I am not in denial. I know not eating is just as bad as overeating. I just can’t get my body to agree with my logic. I did force down a piece of toast this morning, so it’s a start.

I have to do this. I can’t stand being this way anymore.  I need to work through the pain, suck it up-be a big girl. I need to eat, no matter what. I need to make wise choices when I do eat. Good grief, I have a lot to do.